.
>>> live on the fox business
network, it's the sixth
republican debate.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello and welcome back.
i'm fox business rock star neil
ka voouto.
>> and i'm maria bartiromo.
a reminder, we've lost a few
competitors since the last
debate, with only seven joining
us tonight.
so remember, candidates, if at
any time tonight your poll
numbers drop below 3% you will
hear a loud gong, then be
escorted off the stage like
showtime at the apollo.
[ laughter ]
at which point you'll take a
seat in the audience next to
that sweet rose of the
carolinas, senator lindsey
graham.
[ laughter ]
the next question is for our
front-runner, donald trump.
>> thank you, maria tony romo.
[ laughter ]
>> mr. trump, since the last
debate ted cruz has pulled ahead
of you in iowa.
is it true you've started
attacking him because you see
him as a threat?
>> frankly, maria, i'm glad
everyone is talking about my
good friend rafael eduardo cruz.
[ laughter ]
people are coming up to me all
the time saying, donald, ted
cruz was born in canada, he
can't be president.
his campaign is illegal.
their words, not mine.
[ laughter ]
>> donald, this debate about
natural-born citizenship is just
political nonsense.
clearly i am not canadian.
canadians are well liked.
[ laughter ]
i am not.
canadians are rugged and
outdoorsy, where i myself am
mostly made of pudding.
[ laughter ]
canadians are genuine and warm,
whereas when i smile it looks
like i'm peeing.
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
governor christie, if i ask you
a question, do you promise not
to turn your answer into a
tirade against president obama?
>> i promise.
>> how would you change the tax
code?
>> barack obama is the worst
president in history!
and when chris christie is
president, the first thing we
will do is kick your rear end
out of the white house, buddy.
>> well, whoever is elected
president obama will be required
to leave, it will be the end of
his term.
>> yeah.
because i'm going to send him
packing.
>> he'll already have packed and
left because his term will be
over.
>> yeah, it will.
[ laughter ]
>> this next question is for
jeb.
>> it is?
[ laughter ]
>> wait, i'm sorry.
i'm wrong.
it says ted.
ted cruz.
>> aw.
>> mr. cruz, you suggested mr.
trump embodies new york values.
could you explain what you mean
by that?
>> i think most people know
exactly what new york values
are.
and frankly, they are not the
rest of the country's values.
instead of celebrating
christmas, new yorkers celebrate
a pagan holiday called festivus.
instead of watching american
football, they challenge each
other to masturbation contests.
[ laughter ]
in new york people don't say hi
to their neighbors.
they say "hello, newman."
[ laughter ]
>> it sounds like you're
describing the tv show
"seinfeld."
is that what you mean by new
york values?
>> believe me, if i could say
liberal jews, i would.
[ laughter ]
>> dr. carson, you've said we're
not doing enough to dismantle
and destroy isis.
what would you do as president?
[ laughter ]
>> well, whenever i think of
isis, i get so furious.
[ laughter ]
i just go into beast mode.
okay, look.
okay, war has changed in the
6,000 years that the earth has
existed.
[ laughter ]
our enemies can now send an
electromagnetic pulse into our
xoatmosphere scrambling our
electrocity.
i'm talking dirty bombs, cyber
fights, laser people.
and robotrons.
[ laughter ]
>> mr. trump, we now turn to
china.
>> hold on.
i'm getting a call from a
respected expert.
hello?
what?
you're saying jeb bush is a
little girl?
[ laughter ]
>> no, i'm not.
>> and he can't be president
because his hand's bigger than
his face?
>> that's not true.
look -- oh, dang it.
[ laughter ]
>> our next question is for
marco rubio.
>> can i ask my question myself?
why am i not winning?
is it the boots?
i could lose the boots.
[ laughter ]
i mean, come on.
i'm young.
i'm smart.
i'm the only one up here with a
chin.
there's six clowns up here and
one human man.
why is no one paying attention
to me?
>> what did he say?
>> i wasn't listening.
finally, we turn to governor
bush.
governor, would you like to tell
everyone the joke i heard you
practicing in the bathroom
earlier?
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
in hillary's first 100 days as
president she's going from the
white house to the courthouse.
>> it's okay.
you don't need to tell jokes
because you are one.
jebra.
>> that's not my name.
>> yes, it is.
and i have it on good authority
that jebra is wearing spanx
right now.
>> you shut up.
they're for support!
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
we'll take our first break.
oh, this is exciting.
we have confirmation that chris
christie has just dipped below
3% in the national poll.
[ gong ]
>> hey, come on.
[ siren ]
♪♪♪
don't do -- oh, come on!
>> well, that's a lot of fun.
we'll be right back with more.
and live from new york, it's
saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: it's "saturday
night live."
with vanessa bayer!
beck bennett!
aidy bryant!
colin jost!
taran killam!
kate mckinnon!
kyle mooney!
bobby moynihan!
jay pharoah!
cecily strong!
kenan thompson!
sasheer zamata!
featuring michael che!
pete davidson!
leslie jones!
jon rudnitsky!
musical guest chris stapleton!
and your host, adam driver!
♪♪♪
ladies and gentlemen,
adam driver!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you.
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you.
thank you very much.
before we start, i just want to
say, congratulations to the
arizona cardinals.
welcome to the first show of
2016.
[ cheers and applause ]
right now i'm in a movie called
"star wars: the force awakens."
[ cheers and applause ]
please, please, please go see
it.
if this one does well, they
might make another.
[ laughter ]
i'm so fortunate to be part of
such an illustrious franchise,
especially since i've only been
acting for a few years.
before that i was in the
military.
and i was very intimidating.
we have a photo i think to prove
it.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers ]
back when the the marines were
accepting 12-year-olds.
[ laughter ]
but it really is an honor to be
in "star wars."
never, ever will you find a more
devoted fan base.
they're very intense.
>> i know.
"star wars" fans.
ridiculous, right?
quick question.
[ laughter ]
what happens in the next film,
adam?
>> you know i can't tell you
that.
they won't even tell me that.
>> oh, you can't tell me because
the audience is here, right?
okay.
i'm going to ask you at the
afterparty, though.
>> no, you won't.
[ laughter ]
i've been dealing with this all
week.
hey, bobby.
>> oh, come on.
it could be kenan.
come on, it could be kenan in
here.
>> it's not kenan.
it's bobby.
where did you find that suit?
>> i made it.
[ laughter ]
>> how much did that cost you?
>> 65 -- $6500.
>> bobby, take off the mask.
>> hey.
sorry.
>> is that a wig?
[ laughter ]
>> yeah.
it's a wig.
the wig was 800 bucks.
listen, i've got to know what
happens to kylo ren, man.
does he die?
please, just tell me.
>> all right.
fine, i die.
>> oh, no.
>> but my friends put sunglasses
on me and i pretend i'm alive
all weekend.
>> oh, my god.
it's perfect.
>> leave this man alone.
>> okay.
what's your "star wars"
question?
>> man, i ain't seen "star
wars."
[ laughter ]
i want to know why you wasn't in
"the martian" with matt damon
because y'all was the bomb in
"good will hunting."
>> how many times do i have to
tell you, i'm adam driver, not
minnie driver.
[ laughter ]
>> oh.
you're adam driver.
well, i don't know what the
internet is talking about
because you are fine.
[ laughter ]
bobby got a picture of you over
his bed.
>> hey, come on.
we've got a great show tonight.
okay?
adam driver is here.
>> chris stapleton is here.
we'll be right back!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
>> we're back for the fourth
quarter with arizona leading
green bay 28-17.
al michaels here with you
along with cris collinsworth.
and this game has been a
nightmare for the packers, cris.
>> it really has.
after losing their first three
quarterbacks to injury green bay
is turning to a fourth-string
back who i've never heard of.
>> jared schleff has not taken a
snap for green bay all year.
but here he is in their biggest
game of the season.
>> well, the playoffs is
certainly where you'll find the
most unlikely of heroes.
>> absolutely.
let's go down to the field where
schleff is in the shotgun.
he takes the snap.
>> oh, my god.
>> folks, this is one of the
worst injuries i've seen in my
40-year career.
>> that's just devastating.
i think watching that made me
sick.
>> absolutely.
no one should ever have to
witness something that shocking.
let's see it again.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, my.
>> i do pray for him.
i do.
>> absolutely.
>> let me assure all the viewers
at home that we are not going to
subject you to that again.
from that angle.
[ laughter ]
this new angle is much better.
>> oh.
>> the new angle makes me think
this is cgi or something.
legs don't do that.
>> let's go to our sideline
reporter michele tafoya, who's
with packers team doctor
lucas kavner.
>> dr. kavner, obviously a
really tough injury for schleff.
will he be back on the field?
>> well, it looks pretty bad but
he's a young man.
i wouldn't give up on him.
i can't diagnose him because i
couldn't really see exactly what
happened.
>> oh, you know what?
we have it right here.
>> oh, lord, take my eyes!
blind me, lord!
oh, he's done.
he is done forever.
[ laughter ]
>> we'll check in with michele
in a little bit.
>> obviously this is a full
contact sport, but nobody should
have to see something this
gruesome and appalling.
luckily we'll never have to
watch that clip again.
>> and the arizona coach is
asking to see the clip again.
looks like bruce arians has
thrown a challenge flag.
>> he believes that schleff
fumbled the ball.
>> but did he?
let's take a look.
i think that's a fumble.
>> remember, the play is dead
when the front of your knee
touches the ground.
>> sure.
but what about the back of your
knee?
>> i don't know.
>> in the meantime let's go back
to michele, who's with jared
schleff.
>> al, dr. kavner is doing what
he can for schleff.
he's holding a bible.
now he's pulled out a gun.
he seems to be weighing his
options.
back to you, al.
>> okay.
let's move on to something fun.
our at&t fanpinion of the game.
tonight's fanpinion is about
jared schleff.
what do you think was the worst
part of jared's injury?
was it, a, the nauseating
reality that legs could bend
like that?
b, that sound, that terrible
sound?
or c, knowing that somewhere
deep down this is why you watch
football?
text us your answers.
we'll have the results after
this commercial.
when we return, green bay finds
another quarterback.
>> looks like the coach is
asking for volunteers from the
crowd.
big opportunity for a fan.
>> oh, wow.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> each week we follow the boss
of a major organization as they
go undercover to find out what's
really going on in their
company.
this is "undercover boss:
star killer base."
kylo ren is the commander of the
first order, a massive regime
dedicated to wiping out the
galactic resistance.
this week kylo is going
undercover among star killer
base personnel as matt, a radar
technician.
>> you get so caught up in
restoring the galaxy to its
rightful state that you miss
what's going on behind the
scenes.
i'm looking forward to having
some real talk with some real
folks.
>> we've put hidden cameras in
an employee common area, and no
one has any idea that matt is
their boss, kylo ren.
>> hi.
i'm matt.
i'm a radar technician.
you guys like working here?
>> you know, work is work.
>> yeah, totally.
what do you guys think of kylo
ren?
do you guys believe it when he
says he's going for what darth
vader started?
>> what exactly has he started?
>> i will say this for kylo.
i think he gets a bad rap.
>> yeah.
>> he's trying to accomplish
something that's never been done
in the history of the galaxy.
you know, rule everything?
that's impressive.
i admire the guy.
>> yeah.
exactly.
>> okay, okay.
real easy.
all you've got to do is rewire
the calcinator.
>> so remove this?
>> does that look like the
calcinator?
what's wrong with you?
why is it so hard for you to
understand?
>> i don't know.
but will you please stop yelling
at me?
you're starting to stress me
out.
>> i have a newfound respect for
what my employees do.
>> okay, now can we rewire it,
please?
so i can go have my muffin?
i haven't had my muffin yet,
matt.
>> it's not as easy as i
presumed.
>> what up, matt?
>> hey, you kicked my wrench.
jerk face.
>> look, i found kylo ren's
light saber.
that's awesome.
>> that thing looks dangerous.
poorly made.
>> you don't have to look at it
anymore!
>> i'm 90% sure matt is kylo
ren.
[ laughter ]
>> yeah, it's been a rough year
for my family.
we lost our son back in april.
he was in the storm trooper
program.
and we're getting by.
>> oh, man.
sorry about that.
must be hard.
>> hearing that zack lost his
son really struck a nerve with
me.
especially since i'm the one
that killed him.
[ laughter ]
>> hey.
i ran into kylo ren in the
bathroom.
he told me to give you this.
>> after the rain comes the
rainbow.
sorry i killed your son.
>> this means something to me
now.
>> a buddy of mine saw kylo ren
take his shirt off in the shower
and he said that kylo ren had an
eight-pack, that kylo ren was
shredded.
>> what?
your friend's a liar, man.
kylo ren is a punk bitch.
that guy looks like he weighs
30 pounds soaking wet underneath
that little black dress.
[ laughter ]
>> tim?
tim!
>> oh, no.
he's choking on food.
>> i see what's in your mind.
and it is stupid!
>> dude, matt straight up sucks.
[ laughter ]
>> i have a bombshell
announcement to make, guys.
i'm not matt.
i am --
>> kylo ren.
>> you're kylo ren.
>> i knew when you threw me
through the phone machine.
>> i knew from "hi, i'm matt."
>> we really connected today.
i'm promoting you to superior
officer.
>> thank you, sir.
>> i had a blast today.
i really learned a lot.
and people are going to love the
new me.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> aladdin, we're so high up.
i've never flown on a magic
carpet before.
>> it's beautiful, isn't it?
but not as beautiful as you.
♪ i can show you the world
shining, shimmering splendid
tell me princess ♪
♪ now when did you last
let your heart decide
a whole new world a new
fantastic point of view ♪
♪ no one to tell us no
or where to go or say
you're only dreaming ♪
[ laughter ]
>> i really like you, jasmine.
you're different.
do you like me?
>> yeah, i do.
i'm sorry.
some kind of fat bird just hit
my mouth.
i need a minute.
>> you'll be all right,
jasmine, you're safe with me.
just look how far we can see.
>> yeah, i think it had a fish
in its beak.
just slow down a little.
okay?
like i'm still into it.
that was a lot.
♪ a whole new world
a dazzling place
you never knew
but when i'm way up here ♪
♪ it's crystal clear
that now i'm in
a whole new
world with you ♪
>> bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!
>> oh, shoot.
we must be over syria.
[ laughter ]
>> i think i just pissed my
little thing i'm wearing.
it's magical.
♪ i can open your eyes ♪
>> they're open.
♪ take you wonder by wonder ♪
>> give me a second.
♪ over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride
a whole new world a new
fantastic point of view ♪
♪ no one to tell us no
or where to go ♪
>> oh.
no.
what just happened?
>> i think an airplane just
emptied its toilet in the sky.
[ laughter ]
>> aladdin, take me back to the
palace.
>> quiet.
something's wrong with the
carpet.
i've got to make some fast
decisions now.
>> what's going on?
>> we're losing altitude.
i'm going to try to put her down
at that air force base.
>> did you taste sharisse's
cookies that she brought to the
airport?
now, a lot of people don't like
hard cookies, you know --
>> hang on, chris, we've got a
distress call coming in.
>> mayday, mayday!
requesting emergency landing!
>> i see you, pilot.
you are clear for landing.
>> this is going to be nuts.
>> god be with them!
[ laughter ]
>> they did it!
they landed!
>> and look, they're in love.
♪ a whole new world ♪
>> i hated that.
♪ that's where we'll be ♪
>> i'm drenched in you know
what.
♪ a wondrous place ♪
>> but mama horny.
♪ for you and me ♪
>> i am married.
>> how come you never talk about
it, then?
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ america's looking
at cats ♪
♪ goofing off
america's looking at cats
messing round ♪
america's funniest cats ♪
>> with your host finn
raynal-beads.
[ laughter ]
>> hey there.
i'm finn reynolds, not
raynal-beads.
i don't know how many times i
have to throw a fit about that.
i confronted so many people and
everyone just points a finger at
someone else.
but someone is responsible.
that doesn't just happen.
[ laughter ]
hey, guys.
[ laughter ]
thanks for all the great pet
videos this week, including this
one from a cat owner who
suspected someone had been going
through her drawers.
take a look.
>> oh, boy.
i know they're in here
somewhere.
hey.
these panties are going to look
great on this puss's booty.
whoa.
sorry, ma'am.
it's not what it looks like.
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
we've got an amazing treat for
you today.
so apparently, there's a french
version of this show.
and with me today are the two
hosts, joelle larue and noelle
lesoup.
come on out here, ladies.
>> bonjour.
♪♪♪
>> okay.
thanks for coming all the way
from paris, you guys.
tell me a little bit about you
guys.
>> the show is called les
comedie des animeaux.
>> you though, in paris we are
the center of the world as far
as arts and culture so when we
see this show of yours we say we
must have this.
>> we will not rest until we
have the show.
[ laughter ]
>> is that real or you guys like
making fun of me?
>> oh, no, we just poke fun at
cats.
>> they don't care.
>> okay.
well, then i'm going to let you
guys handle this next clip of a
cat who has his first taste of
ice cream.
♪♪♪
>> the cat has seconds to live.
she's cut off her oxygen.
>> she is quietly backing out of
the world.
>> she will not believe.
>> funny cat.
>> yeah, very funny cat.
>>.
[ laughter ]
.
>> okay, wow.
you guys do it a little
different than us.
we try to make the bloopers a
little sillier like with sound
effects and stuff.
do you know what i mean?
>> boy-yoy-yoing.
[ speaking french ]
>> we can try boy-yoy-yoing.
>> oh, yeah, yeah.
that's great.
throw some boy-yoy-yoings in
there.
[ laughter ]
i'm just going roll a bunch of
clips and you guys can go crazy.
>> yes.
of course.
okay.
boy-yoy-yoing.
this cat has neurological
disorder.
she cannot gauge distance
between herself and the couch.
>> boy-yoy-yoing.
this cat is certainly dead.
that's a death spasm.
>> wacka wacka.
this cat also is dead.
this cat is in a death costume.
>> ka-bonk, this egomaniac has
walked into a tv and will not
come back the same.
>> say what?
>> he will never trust a tv
again.
ka-bonk.
>> boy-yoy-yoing.
[ laughter ]
>> it's a little dark.
you know what we find fun?
giving a cat a silly voice.
like "oh, i'm a big fat cat and
i can't fit through the cat
door.
derp."
[ laughter ]
>> yes.
this stupid voice coming from
cat would make me laugh.
>> i also was very close to
laughing.
but then i remember i just lost
my daughter in a custody battle
with my own mother.
>> oh, my god.
[ laughter ]
>> let's try one more before we
go back to france forever.
>> roll it.
>> my husband is in here.
my husband's ashes are in this
urn.
[ laughter ]
>> he died from drugs but i
don't care.
>> he was troubled but he was
mine.
>> i don't want to live anymore.
i want to be in hell with him.
where all suicides go.
>> armand.
here i come.
>> boy-yoy-yoing.
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
well, i'm getting word that my
producer is here to tell me
something.
hopefully privately.
>> well, it's not.
i want everybody to hear this.
you're canceled.
>> well, great.
i'm glad.
i think anyone would be proud to
do 18 seasons of this show.
i leave with my head held high.
>> just pack your junk,
raynal-beads.
>> boy-yoy-yoing.
[ laughter ]
♪♪♪
♪ america's looking at cats ♪
♪♪♪
[ applause ]
>> ladies and gentlemen,
chris stapleton.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
♪ street lights along the
highway throwing shadows
in the dark and
memories keep on turning ♪
♪ to the rhythm of
a broken heart ♪
♪ you only need a roof when
it's raining you only need a
fire when it's cold ♪
♪ you only need a drink
when whiskey is the only
thing you have
left to hold ♪
♪ sun comes up and goes back
down falling feels like
flying till you
hit the ground ♪
♪ say the word and i'll be
there for you
baby, i will be your
parachute ♪
♪♪♪
♪ there's a song that i
remember i never learned
to play and a lifetime
of forgotten words ♪
♪ i never got to say ♪
♪ you only need a roof
when it's raining
you only need a fire
when it's cold ♪
♪ you only need a drink
when it's whiskey is the only
thing you have left to hold
sun comes up ♪
♪ and goes back down
falling feels like flying
till you hit the ground ♪
♪ say the word and i'll be
there for you
baby, i will be your
parachute ♪
♪ parachute ♪
♪♪♪
♪ if you think you're
going down
just know i will be around ♪
♪ you only need a roof
when it's raining
you only need a fire
when it's cold ♪
♪ you only need a drink
when whiskey
is the only thing that you
have left to hold ♪
♪ sun comes up and
goes back down
falling feels like flying
till you hit the ground ♪
♪ say the word and i'll be
there for you
baby, i will be your ♪
♪ baby, i will be your
parachute ♪
♪♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: it's "weekend
update" with colin jost and
michael che.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> good evening, everyone.
>> welcome to "weekend update."
i'm michael che.
>> i'm colin jost.
and here are tonight's top
stories.
at the gop debate, donald trump
defended his concerns about
whether ted cruz, who was born
in canada to an american mother,
is eligible to be president,
saying there's a big question
mark on your head.
but there's also a big question
mark on trump's head if the wind
hits him just right.
[ laughter ]
>>> u.s. officials today
announced iran is releasing five
detained americans in exchange
for seven iranians held by the
u.s.
president obama praised the
deal while an outraged ben
carson said he wouldn't be
satisfied with any deal that
didn't include the prisoner of
azkaban.
[ laughter ]
>> a new poll shows that
bernie sanders leads
hillary clinton by 19 points
among female millennial voters
who like his proposals such as
free college tuition.
i don't know.
typically when young women
trust some old dude who promises
to pay for their college, it
doesn't always end well.
[ laughter ]
>> the nfl announced that the
st. louis rams will return to
los angeles, which i knew was
coming the second i saw their
mascot got some work done.
>>> the oscar nominations were
announced thursday and for the
second year in a row people are
complaining about the lack of
diversity among nominees.
but as a person of color, you
know, i'd be happy if the
academy just nominated movies
that people have actually seen.
i mean, are you telling me that
anybody here has actually seen
"room" or "brooklyn" or "the
golden moon"?
you're lying because i made that
last one up.
[ laughter ]
if you want people to watch the
academy awards, you have to give
us something we can root for.
okay?
just imagine how excited kids
would be to see "star wars" win
or black people to see "a
compton" win.
or how excited colin would be to
see "staten island summer"
nominated.
[ laughter ]
the oscars should showcase more
of the movies that people
actually watch.
like porno.
why can't porn be nominated?
oh, you're telling me it's okay
to watch movies about people
killing and dying and explosions
and death and that's all
perfectly fine but if i want to
watch two people make love i've
got to close my laptop because
i'm disturbing the other
passengers?
who's really the sicko?
[ laughter ]
>>> president obama says that he
will sign an executive order
mandating universal background
checks for gun purchases, which
many in congress oppose.
with more on this is our own
pete davidson.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hi, buddy.
i don't understand -- oh, thank
you, lady.
[ laughter ]
i don't understand why anyone
would be against background
checks.
i wish i did a background check
on my roommate.
i might have found out he gets
his haircuts in the living room.
or he uses my toothbrush to
clean his toothbrush.
[ laughter ]
i actually saw a show that said
the debate was reopened about
whether mentally ill people
should be able to own guns.
which i didn't know was
debatable.
like one guy even said, "i don't
think the founding fathers
wanted people to lose their
rights just because they had a
mental illness."
which i guess sounds like it
makes sense, until you remember
we're talking about the 1700s,
when the most popular treatment
for schizophrenia was like,
fire.
[ laughter ]
like just lots of fire.
they didn't have lexapro.
you know?
as if that wasn't weird enough,
texas just passed a law allowing
people to carry guns into mental
institutions.
that's a real thing.
[ laughter ]
not like a joke that we wrote.
like that happens now.
[ laughter ]
here's a fun fact about me.
when i was a kid i was pretty
depressed and i spent some time
in a mental institution twice.
so far.
[ laughter ]
i'll be back.
[ laughter ]
and i learned two things.
one, the craziest guy there gets
to control the tv.
his name was two-eyed willie.
>> wait, hold on a second, why
did they call him two eyed
willie?
>> they weren't his.
[ laughter ]
>> and the second thing is none
of those people including sme
should ever be allowed near a
gun.
i can't believe they let me
drive.
like, every time i get behind
the wheel i'm like, wow,
somebody really dropped the
ball, here.
[ laughter ]
if i owned a gun i'd have to buy
a new tv every time the knicks
lost.
the reason obama's going
straight to an executive order
is because congress refused to
even pass a law banning people
on the no-fly list from buying a
gun.
but like, shouldn't the gun list
be the stricter list?
like that means somebody out
there is being told like,
"sorry, sir, we don't trust you
to fly to cleveland, but if you
want to buy this assault rifle
and take the bus."
[ laughter ]
they don't have security on the
bus, man.
it's just the driver, who like
might turn around once in a
while and be like, "hey!"
[ laughter ]
>> pete davidson, everyone.
>> the armed protesters in
oregon were upset after they
made a plea for supplies and
were sent a box containing sex
toys.
they were so upset, you could
hear them loudly moaning about
it.
[ laughter ]
>> a woman in california is
claiming that she found a
severed fingertip in an
applebee's salad.
despite their promise to only
add a tip for parties of six or
more.
[ laughter ]
>>> according to a report,
former new york city mayor mike
bloomberg secretly
commissioned a poll last month
to see how he would do if he ran
for president as a third-party
candidate.
and i for one would love to see
bloomberg run against trump.
they're both new york
billionaires yet they're so
different.
it's like a political version of
the movie "twins."
[ laughter ]
bloomberg, he looks like he'd
speak softly and carry a big
stick.
trump looks like he'd yell
loudly while his goons beat you
with sticks.
or maybe they should just team
up.
you know how trump is always
saying "i'm going to get the
smartest guy."
bloomberg is the smartest guy.
he could be the whole brain for
the operation and live inside
trump like krang from ninja
turtles.
[ laughter ]
but mostly i just want to see
bloomberg at a campaign rally in
mississippi and he tells
everyone there he's taking their
sodas away and they just rip him
to pieces.
[ laughter ]
plus if we follow a black
president from chicago with a
jewish president from new york,
the south is definitely going to
secede again.
[ laughter ]
how would we even top that?
we'd have to find a muslim
president from hollywood.
pressure's on, saeed from
"lost."
[ laughter ]
>> a british sex toy company has
constructed a private booth in
new york city for men to
masturbate in.
good.
because i'm getting tired of
doing it in colin's office.
[ laughter ]
>> wait, what?
>> i'm kidding, man.
i would never get tired of
masturbating in your office.
[ laughter ]
>> man, i sleep in there.
>> i'm quiet.
[ laughter ]
>> a new study finds that nearly
half of non-smoking teenagers in
the u.s. are exposed to
secondhand smoke, while the
other half don't have stepdads.
[ laughter ]
>> big stepdad crew here
tonight.
arizona police arrested a man
who traveled all the way from
pennsylvania to have sex with a
horse.
i mean, is that why he said he
was there?
because if so, he definitely
came to do something way worse.
[ laughter ]
"hey, you, what are you doing?"
oh, me?
nothing.
i was just going to have sex
with a horse.
okay, you got me.
i'm isis.
[ laughter ]
>>> a new study finds that the
most common names of geniuses
are john and mary, while the
least common are becky and shaq.
[ laughter ]
>> oregon police arrested a man
who tried to steal a
two-foot-long python from a pet
store by stuffing it down in his
pants.
yeah.
said the man, "i'll give you a
hint about which snake in my
pants is bigger.
it's the one that just bit my
penis."
[ laughter ]
>> a teenage girl in virginia
saved her father after he was
trapped under a burning pickup
truck and she lifted it off him.
and that story has already been
nominated for eight country
music awards.
[ laughter ]
>> and now for our newscasters
of tomorrow series, where we let
kids read the news.
tonight's junior anchor is a
12-year-old actress who's in the
upcoming nickelodeon movie
"study break tummy ache."
please welcome laura parsons.
[ applause ]
>> hello, michael.
what a thrill it is to be here.
♪ news
talking about news
live on the scene it's 2016 ♪
♪ talkin' bout news ♪
>> that's so adorable.
i hear you're going to report
some stories for us.
>> i'd love to.
this week mexican fugitive,
el chapo was captured after
escaping from prison.
you may remember that el chapo
is a merciless drug lord who was
convicted of selling millions of
dollars worth of narcotics,
including marijuana, heroin and
cocaine.
[ laughter ]
>> laura, do you even know what
cocaine is?
>> not exactly.
but i think it's a powder that
makes your brain go, "i'm
amazing!"
[ laughter ]
>> i guess that's right.
look, laura, don't you have any
stories that are more fun or
silly?
>> the oregon militiamen are mad
because they asked for supplies,
but instead people sent them
dildos!
[ laughter ]
>> let's just get away from the
news altogether, okay?
how did you spend your holiday
break?
>> well, i watched a lot of tv.
>> that's great.
>> i love the show "glee."
it's got wonderful singing and
acting and dancing.
everyone in the cast is such a
great role model for me.
except the guy who plays tuck,
because he just got arrested for
child pornography!
[ laughter ]
>> laura!
>> police found over
1,000 pictures of naked kids.
[ laughter ]
>> okay, laura, did anything
good happen to anyone this week?
>> sure did.
comedian bill cosby was released
on bail.
[ laughter ]
>> no.
>> he's so funny.
>> laura, the case against
bill cosby is very serious.
do you even know what he did?
>> i think so.
he gave some medicine to people,
even though they didn't need the
medicine.
>> that's right.
>> and then he raped them.
[ laughter ]
>> laura parsons, everybody.
♪ i'm talkin 'bout news ♪
>> for "weekend update," i'm
michael che.
>> i'm colin jost.
good night.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> guys, if i had a remote, i'd
be hitting mute.
okay?
that's better.
so we're continuing awareness
week today with four speakers
who'd like to talk to you about
bullying.
>> hey, team.
i'm wendell.
this is harper.
and we're here to talk to you
about a form of mental
harassment that we both got
mixed up in during high school.
who's familiar with social
puppeteering?
wow.
that's surprising.
>> okay.
in simplest terms it's
manipulating others for your own
amusement.
hijacking someone's reality to
feel powerful.
>> here's an example of
something i did.
in sixth grade i paid like
80 kids a buck to go up to this
kid nathan and say, "hey, nice
hat."
so what's the problem?
nathan wasn't wearing a hat.
if 80 kids say you're wearing a
hat you start thinking maybe i
am wearing a hat.
[ laughter ]
and watching him wrestle with
that made me feel good.
i took the most valuable thing
he had.
his mind.
[ laughter ]
that's the idea behind social
puppeteering.
any questions?
>> yeah.
how come i didn't know about
this?
>> i know.
it sounds so fun.
>> okay.
guys, this shouldn't sound fun
to you.
okay?
they're here to tell you how bad
it is.
>> absolutely.
i mean, guys, if you get into
this, it will take over your
life.
i spent thousands of dollars
honey i shrunk the kidsing my
cousin.
>> oh, please explain that.
>> i hired day laborers to build
an enormous replica of his room
in an airplane hangar.
so he woke up in a three-story
bed the length of an olympic
swimming pooling thinking he's
now half an inch tall.
i mean, i went all out.
i got the people who made the
jurassic park dinosaurs to build
a giant animatronic daddy
longlegs he had to fight.
he peed himself and hid in a
giant lego for hours.
it was pretty great.
[ laughter ]
also wrong.
>> it really will ruin your
life, gang.
my brother doesn't speak to me
because i vampired him.
i won't bore you with the
details.
>> no, please do.
>> well, in a nutshell, i hired
this weird albino dude to bite
him and run away.
[ laughter ]
and a week later i start
sprinkling a small amount of
molly into his dinner every
night.
so at night he feels amazing.
but during the day he feels a
little bummed out because the
molly was wearing off.
[ laughter ]
so he started craving the night
because that's when he got the
molly.
[ laughter ]
the nighttime became his magical
time.
he was convinced that he was a
vampire.
he bit our dad.
>> excuse me.
i'm sorry to interrupt, but i
think i that i have been
socially puppeteered.
see, i'm not a transfer student.
i'm a 37-year-old man.
two months ago what i thought
was an elite police squad hired
me to pose as a high school
student and gather intel about a
new drug called squiss.
but i haven't heard from them
since.
and they definitely haven't been
paying me.
>> oh, yeah.
i'm so sorry but you got 21 jump
streeted.
>> wow.
i can't believe it happened to
me.
>> it can happen to anyone.
>> don't be a puppet.
learn more at
www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> when i was in high school
and living in long island, i
stayed up to see david bowie
play on "saturday night live."
and watching him was for me a
life-changing experience.
he had these backup singers that
were like choir singers from the
future and a toy poodle with
like a tv monitor in his mouth.
david bowie transformed whatever
space he was in, whatever medium
he was using.
and that night for me he
transformed live television.
i encourage you to go to nbc.com
to watch all of his performances
from that night in 1979.
and now, david bowie.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
♪ we passed upon the stairs
and spoke of was and when
although i wasn't there
he said i was his friend ♪
♪ which came as some surprise
i spoke into his eyes
i thought you died alone
a long long time ago ♪
♪ oh no not me
i never lost control
you're face to face
with the man who ♪
♪ sold the world ♪
♪ i laughed and shook his hand ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> and carl rosetti at
dreamworks, this was your
vision.
>> thank you to debbie lieberman
and the whole team at caa.
and -- oh, and to this wonderful
man beside me.
my writing partner and my
husband.
kevin, you are my rock.
>> and of course my two
beautiful children, cody and
madison.
mommy and daddy did it.
>> and if you're watching this,
go to bed.
♪♪♪
[ applause ]
>> you heard mom.
we have to go to bed.
>> but i'm not tired.
♪♪♪
>> dear lord, thank you for
giving mommy and daddy a golden
globe.
>> and please watch over us
until they get home.
>> amen.
>> but we didn't get a story.
>> you heard mom.
we have to go to bed right now.
[ laughter ]
>> are you awake?
>> yeah.
>> do you think mommy and daddy
are thinking about us?
>> i know they are.
>> ha, ha!
we won a fricking golden globe!
>> this is the best thing that
ever happened to us!
aaaaah!
♪♪♪
>> mom looked pretty when she
left.
do you think she's ever going to
come back?
>> yes.
of course.
i don't know.
[ laughter ]
>> i just stood next to
lee pribor at the urinal.
saw his whole [ bleep ].
it's huge.
>> i knew it.
this whole night is so amazing.
♪♪♪
[ owl hooing ]
>> what was that?
>> it's probably nothing.
[ laughter ]
>> look at me.
i'm ray donovan.
>> you're so funny.
♪♪♪
>> whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys,
sorry.
stars only.
>> [ bleep ] you, man.
don't push my wife!
>> be a man for once, kevin.
hit him.
>> you don't want to hit me,
sir.
>> hold on to your hat.
you're about to get pounded!
♪♪♪
[ laughter ]
>> come back here!
♪♪♪
>> look.
i told you they'd come back.
♪♪♪
[ laughter ]
>> you kids like eggs?
good.
me too.
your parents are very cool
people.
very cool.
we had a good, cool time.
[ laughter ]
you kids can dress yourselves
for school, right?
>> mm-hmm.
>> that'd probably be best.
♪♪♪
[ eggs cracking ]
>> i hate the globes.
>> i love you, big brother.
>> i love you too.
♪♪♪
[ applause ]
>>> once again, chris stapleton.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
♪ she took down the
photograph of our wedding day
ripped it down the middle and
threw my half away ♪
♪ and i got nobody
to blame but me
i got nobody to blame but me
she broke all my ♪
♪ fishing rods put my
guns in hock threw my
clothes out in the yard and
changed out all the locks ♪
♪ and i got nobody
to blame but me
i got nobody to blame but me
i know right where ♪
♪ i went wrong
i know just what got her gone
turned my life into this
country song ♪
♪ and i got nobody
to blame but me
i got nobody to blame
but me ♪
♪♪♪
♪ she fired up my old
hot rod ran it in the pond
put sugar in my john deere
i can't even mow my lawn ♪
♪ and i got nobody
to blame but me
i got nobody to blame but me
she built her a bonfire ♪
♪ with my old six string
took all my good whiskey
and poured it down the drain
and i got nobody ♪
♪ to blame but me
i got nobody to blame but me
i know right where
i went wrong ♪
♪ i know just what
got her gone
turned my life into
a country song ♪
♪ and i got nobody
to blame but me
i got nobody to blame but me
nobody to blame but me ♪
♪ i got nobody to blame
but me ♪
♪ i got nobody to blame
but me ♪
♪♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
[ laughter ]
>>> nurse, who is my next
patient?
oh, no.
he hurt his big thigh during the
game?
send him in.
>> hi, doctor.
i need help with my body.
ow.
ooh.
ow.
i hurt my big thigh during the
big game.
right when i was about to score.
>> well, maybe i can help you
score.
right now.
where does it hurt?
>> way up at the top part of my
thigh.
i don't know.
about a centimeter below my ball
sack.
[ laughter ]
>> let me take a look.
how does it feel when i do this?
>> uh, i don't know.
doctor.
i'm not gay.
>> are you sure?
>> good point.
i'm convinced.
let's do sex.
>> oh, yeah.
>> f yeah.
>> oh, yeah.
>> f yeah.
yes.
>> excuse me.
dr. rockhard?
i had a 2:00 appointment and i
still have not been seen.
>> huh?
>> yeah.
all these big muscular guys
keep cutting me.
but my mom said i need to see a
doctor right away.
my stomach is real sore.
>> me too.
my groin is sore.
>> and i need to make it more
sore.
>> oh.
what?
you've got to make it more sore?
all right.
i mean, you went to medical
school, not me.
>> yeah.
i graduated best top in my
class.
[ laughter ]
>> wow.
that's awesome, dr. rockhard.
>> and i'm always on bottom.
>> well, that's nothing to brag
about.
i will be in the waiting room
with my mom.
but please hurry, dr. rockhard.
>> so patient, you play soccer.
does that mean you're good at
juggling balls?
>> with my feet.
>> wow.
that's hot.
>> but there's a problem,
doctor.
i don't have health insurance.
>> that's okay.
i think i can figure out another
way for you to pay.
>> oh, f.
>> oh, yeah.
f yeah.
>> oh, f yeah.
>> excuse me, doctor.
i kind of overheard because i
wasn't all the way gone yet.
my mom also doesn't have health
insurance.
so can we pay however he's
paying?
>> uh.
>> i mean, she does have health
insurance but it doesn't kick in
until the 1st of the month.
she has blue cross.
>> and i have blue balls.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, no.
you need 5050 ccs of boner,
stat.
>> all this medical talk goes
over my head.
i'm next, right?
>> yeah.
>> are you positive?
>> yeah.
but don't tell them or they'll
make me leave.
>> okay.
whatever you say, dr. rockhard.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, no, doctor.
now my other big thigh hurts.
>> you're in luck.
i've got medication that cures
anything.
but i don't know if you'll be
able to swallow it.
>> why?
is it big?
>> oh, yeah.
so big.
>> how big is it, doctor?
>> too big for you to swallow.
>> ooh.
>> oh, is it like a gel cap?
>> what?
>> because i know those are big
but i can get them down with
water.
and if not my mom can cut them
in half and put them in my
mashed potatoes.
please, dr. rockhard.
give it to me.
my stomach hurts really bad.
>> i can't give it to you.
but i can give it to your mom.
>> hell, yeah.
>> okay.
that works too.
thank you, dr. rockhard.
you know, my mom was nervous
about this doctor's office
because when she went on your
website it morning it crashed
her whole computer.
but i think you're cool.
so thanks for squeezing me in.
>> i love to squeeze things in.
[ laughter ]
>> i know.
you're jam-packed today.
>> about to be.
[ laughter ]
>> well, it must be hard.
>> it has to be hard.
[ laughter ]
.
>> well, i'll get out of your
hair.
>> i don't have any hair.
[ laughter ]
now, let's get back to that big
thigh.
but i think i need a second,
third, fourth, and fifth
opinion.
>> oh, yeah.
>> yeah, yeah.
>> yeah.
>> wait a minute.
all these doctors work here?
will someone please help me?
hello.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> thanks to chris stapleton,
fred armisen, lorne, this
amazing cast, all the writers,
and to our men and women serving
overseas, get home safe.
thank you very much.
good night.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪